Whether you’re stressed, staying awake due to a medication side effect, are sick, or drinking too much caffeine, insomnia can strike an individual for any number of reasons. The fact is #insomnia is open-minded and color-blind: it hits people of all ages and stages. Are you waking cold in the middle of the night? Having trouble getting to #sleep in the first place? You can give the middle finger to the nemesis of sleep, insomnia, for those wonderful difficulties. But sometimes, your insomnia reaches a whole new level. Here are some signs you’re in insomnia overdrive:
The Neighborhood Knows You
You can’t sleep at night, so the next day before work you’re pounding those Starbucks ventis? Your local neighborhood barista pours you your drink before you even pay.
Bags For Days
You don’t simply look tired—you look like you’re an alcoholic off the rocks who just went on a late night bender. With eye bags that big, you could shop at Bendel’s for the weekend darling! No eye cream stands a chance of helping you out.
Old TV Junkie
You haven’t had a full night of sleep in a year, but you are very adept in television shows dating from the seventies and on, show that run late into the night that your well-rested friends have all but forgotten. But not you. You can quote all of the Fonz’s lines from Happy Days and you’re pretty sure you have some great dating advice for Laverne & Shirley. You don’t understand why Dylan chose Kelly or why Brendan chose Kelly, but you’re stoked to watch the 90210 episode in which Brendan goes to his very first AA meeting. Break out those tissues!
Reality Show Addict
Now that you’re not sleeping, you figured you might keep up with those Kardashians if you’re a female. You were even so fatigued and bored that you bought Kylie Jenner’s lipkit and posted numerous photos of the different lip colors on your Instagram during one of your late night benders. If you’re male, you’ve watched every single show on the History channel and can recite every move Hitler made from birth to death. You’ve become quite the history buff and in fact, everyone is sick of hearing about it.
Poetic Social Media Late Night Posts
You may be stone cold sober, but your middle of the night Facebook posts say otherwise, thanks to your friend insomnia. You start quoting texts you read in high school incorrectly, or posting mindless quizzes with terrible and inaccurate results like, “Next year Jane will have a baby” even though Jane (that’s you) is 55 and has her tubes tied, or “Josh will have a baby,” even though Josh (that’s you) hates kids and would rather own a pet pig than a child. Then when the insomnia has you really dead and buried, you start to post about your exes. Sometimes the posts are tearful. Sometimes they’re anger-ridden. Either way, they’re super unattractive.
It’s come to the point where your friends and family simply flag your posts as soon as they wake up and see them in the hopes that Facebook will pull them down before you figure it out and do it yourself.
You’re not yourself when you’re hungry according to Snickers but when you’ve reached this intense level of sleep deprivation you’re prime material for a psychotic break. Even Mother Theresa herself could not maintain her kindness had she run on such little sleep. You cry randomly at work meetings, you scream at your interns, and you have told your partner to sleep on the couch for breathing too heavy one too many times. You’re this close to wearing a white jacket and restraints and at this point you’re wondering: “Will that help me sleep?”
Lest your family and friends think you’re complaining too much over a “little lack of sleep” remind them that sleep deprivation was a factor in the 1979 nuclear accident at Three Mile Island. They might take your insomnia a little more seriously.
Here’s to a year of better sleep and less “Keeping up with the Kardashians!”